general ramblings

Random Post #01 – Dont take it too seriously, it’ll blow over

How is it possible to lose yourself to someone so much? To love them so much that even though you’ve given them everything, you still want to give them more? How is it possible that the very same person can make everything around you feel like it’s collapsing on top of you? How can someone who says they love you so much spit out so much hate at you? How can they take everything you’ve given them and make it cheap and lowly? The last thing you want to see on someone’s face in answer to the question “Why are you with me”, is the look that says I dont know. The look that says you were the biggest mistake that they ever made and they were wishing to God that they could turn back the clock. How is it that a person’s words can hurt you so much, that you start to feel like they’ve killed you, you’re just breathing. You’re just living. If you believe in God, you would say “God gives his toughest hurdles to his strongest soldiers”. Then why don’t I feel strong? Why do I feel, for lack of a better word, DEAD?
I have never asked for huge materialistic things to be happy. I have always appreciated all that I have been given. Things that make me happy are things like, knowing that I put that smile on his face, making him breakfast, getting him ready for work in the morning, spending time with him, every moment with our kids and feeling like he loves me amongst other things. If you notice, none of these things cost extreme amounts of money and they don’t involve huge extravagant gifts.
When you give someone something special and then they hurl accusations at you, over and over and over again, you can do nothing but feel the pain. You feel yourself go cold and numb all over your body. You contemplate commiting suicide over and over because this man, the one that has vowed to love you and cherish you forever has made you feel like everytime he looks at you he sees some cheap thing that he can just throw away.
Yes, it’s a fight. Things were said. But there are some things that you ruin the moment you pick on it. There could never be love for me in a heart that doubts me so much. Now, it’s time for me to accept that and move on. All life is about is breathing. That’s all a person needs to do to just exist.

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